Since my last post I’ve hit one hell of a wall on my journey to “Becoming myself”, again. This is due to the closest friend I had ever had hurting me in a way that has pushed me into a position where it has shattered my concept of what trust actually is.
For once (for those who only moan about my blogs, ha-ha) this isn’t about University. (ha-ha).
I’ve tried very hard to not let myself get affected by this and it has been working, but after being hyper sensitive, as always… it is hard to not get easily insulted, and/or get very sensitive. I have to consciously think of the way I am normally, so I don’t actually feel insulted by someone.
For all someone said to me in class yesterday was, “Let me just write it” when talking about a crappy news article I wrote. And I would really, really not find offense in this. I would usually just laugh at it and tell them to shut it with a cheeky look on my face. But, I had to force the cheeky look and laugh it off. It hurt. And it’s not their fault as I’m pretty much always joking, and I know they didn’t mean it. Logically, in my head I knew it was a joke and he apologised afterwards, which was nice of him.
The other one was that I’ve felt quite awkward around someone for a little while, and I sent her something a while back, which was openly made fun of in front of other people, which although I should’ve been okay and shook it off as a joke I just couldn’t for a while, and I went all quiet. Ha, silly me. In my right mind, I’m okay with it, but with the recent feeling of how I seem to be like a joke to everyone I’ve ever been close to. It just stabbed me a little deep.
However, I’m okay. The uni stuff was nothing, which is why I’m stating it, so they don’t worry, as I know it was light-hearted, and the only reason I gave off the idea that it offended me was because of the stuff I’m dealing with outside of uni. So, I hope they don’t feel like they have hurt me!
Anyway, outside of Uni, I’ve had a friend for the good part of a decade, who I trusted with pretty much everything about me, we’ve talked for years, and not just typical “How are you’s” or “What you up to’s” but real, serious conversations, and we’ve been there for each other through it all. Just, either she keeps telling me her feelings, or I keep telling her. I thought about this for a while and thanks to a friend from Uni, and recent events at Uni I thought to question the way things were with my best friend. I know, what a jerk I am to ask someone their feelings, spot on, without hiding them, pretending or lying.
And she told me, and though she told me the answer I suspected, not hoped. It didn’t help, as we were flirting, even making plans. Weird, I thought. I won’t go into details, but I had an email from someone close to her asking me some questions and I answered, but from those questions I figured out there was another guy involved, and I just felt a little used, and I would normally shrug it off, but she was my best friend, for not just a week, or a month, but for eight freakin’ years.
And when words like love are involved in the process it’s… hard to just laugh it off and pretend it never happened.
I very much so have felt like a joke and I don’t understand what trust is anymore. People have been asking me if I’m okay but I don’t know how to answer, what am I supposed to say? Do I tell them everything? do I tell them nothing? And what if they end up getting close to me and doing something similar? or is that just the way things are with people these days, and I’m living in the past where people respected one another? I don’t understand.
Nevertheless, there has been one person that has been really helpful talking to me, and she’s been saying all the right words. So thank you to that person…
I’m sorry to everyone else, if I’ve left things unanswered, or not been as talkative the last few days.
With recent events over the last few months, and now this, I do simply feel like a joke. And not a funny one at that. Thank you for understanding. And I hope this gives you guys some clarity about why I seem like I’m with the faeries, and if I do seem ‘offended’ by anything. Thank you for not getting funny with me. And I hope everyone has a nice day.