Days like this

On days like this things catch up to me.

On days like this, everything fails to captivate me.

On days like this, I feel alone.

Last night I went into a bit of a shutdown state and for the first time in a long time I switched off my phone, or turned aeroplane mode on… and led on my bed trying to quiet my mind, and disappear for a bit. The only person I kept an eye, or rather ear for was my daughter.

After a horrendous dream, an uncomfortable hour lying in bed, I turned my pocket monster back on and checked up on some people. Within several minutes I was in a conversation that was quite dramatic. I don’t know how I do this. Anyway, I was happy to talk about it all, and discuss it openly, thinking that I wasn’t going to be brought into it. But I was, more so as an excuse for insecurity. It is a feeling I’ve been used to for far too long.

I had a personal morning out of uni to go somewhere to deal with something. Fun, without details, right? Anyway, it was a big enough reason to make me have a shutdown yesterday. It must be important.

On top of that, after receiving a message from a friend asking why another friend was asking where I was, but never said anything to me when I came online, and didn’t leave me a message, it seemed a bit bizarre, and with everything going on, I need someone.

I felt a little bit alone, as I haven’t told anyone where I had to go, or why but I have to go there again Friday, and hopefully it’ll all be nothing and I can carry on walking. As for today, I’m standing still. I needed my friends today, but they were all busy, which I can’t blame them for, obviously… but it makes me feel like I shouldn’t rely on other people, as it’s only ever me I’m stuck with forever…

I tried talking to said friend about why she asked about me last night, as with the context it seemed more like she was digging for info when she could’ve just asked me. The response I had simply made me feel worse… so I’ve stopped completely.

It’s funny how no matter what happens, some people are always there for others, but when you need help, it’s too much trouble. I know how this will come across to the people who read it, and within a few days I’ll forget it, bury it, or let it go, and put a mask on that no one can see through, and pretend I’m all dandy, and okay. Which by that point I’m hoping that I am. Saturday will be a good night out, if I haven’t upset some of the people going already, but if I have, then no matter…

I hate feeling like this, and wish I didn’t get like it at all, but sometimes I simply cannot smile and say that everything is okay.

 

Edit** I caught a friend on the way out, who gave me a hug and asked me if I was okay after seeing the glum look on my face. She walked with me to pick my daughter up and had a chat on the way to the train station. She really cheered me up, which I’m grateful for. So thank you to that person. 🙂 Kindness never goes unappreciated…

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