A wonder through the woods.

I close my eyes for a moment.

When I open them, I see a world of beauty all around me, I can see the many trees surrounding me, towering high. They branch out casting shade for the land they stem from. Broad, lush green leaves create a colourful array in  every direction. The flora at the bottom act like the world’s hair follicles – spiky, brisk and ever-growing. I observe a bear cub scratching the bottom of a tree in the distance, attempting his first climb. Brown fur curled out from his face making him seem too soft to be dangerous.

I heard the sounds of birds playing in the trees, leaping from branch to branch and flapping their wings best they could. Some were so small they could fit between the gaps in the branches, easily maneuvering the labyrinth’s around each tree. They chirped, and whistled, gracefully singing their songs.

I smelled the fresh flowers, and fresh mud. The smell of wet grass was strong, and lingered in my nostrils. I wish I could have held onto that smell, before I caught a whiff of the brown bear scurrying through the mud.

I brushed my hand across the bark of a tree, feeling like I understood the way the trees aged, and the way they grew. I knew something, but that could have been anything.

 

When I came back to reality, I closed my eyes again, still smelling the fresh smell of wet grass, and after handing in my writing media coursework, keeping myself to myself, and going out, rather than spending the day on campus… I knew this was going to be a good day.

 

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Thinking in Tenses

Sitting in class contemplating more about what tenses the tutor is using, more than the actual things he’s saying; wondering what to do next. Still having the same ‘adult’ stress in my life, (moving house at the end of the week) and all the crap that comes with it. Trying to write in present continuous tense has difficulties of its own.

Anyway, I am looking forward to the test at 4pm, but at least I have a few hours to study. My migraine hasn’t shifted, (only had it for the 2nd day now.) but maybe it will kick start my brain. One could only hope.

I have a slight difficulty focusing on university, due to some money problems, and the moving stress of trying to remember which companies to contact and to get out of the way. I have to visit many places this week. I do hope I can get all my bills sorted, otherwise it’s going to be amazingly aggravating.

Anyway, I hope that I can come back to hitting the books pretty effectively when I finish the move. I should have a little more time once I move. Anyway, short post today, just laying things out for my head to process. Enjoy your day. I may not post for a few days.

Clarity.

Good morning,

Since my last post I’ve hit one hell of a wall on my journey to “Becoming myself”, again. This is due to the closest friend I had ever had hurting me in a way that has pushed me into a position where it has shattered my concept of what trust actually is.

For once (for those who only moan about my blogs, ha-ha) this isn’t about University. (ha-ha).

I’ve tried very hard to not let myself get affected by this and it has been working, but after being hyper sensitive, as always… it is hard to not get easily insulted, and/or get very sensitive. I have to consciously think of the way I am normally, so I don’t actually feel insulted by someone.

For all someone said to me in class yesterday was, “Let me just write it” when talking about a crappy news article I wrote. And I would really, really not find offense in this. I would usually just laugh at it and tell them to shut it with a cheeky look on my face. But, I had to force the cheeky look and laugh it off. It hurt. And it’s not their fault as I’m pretty much always joking, and I know they didn’t mean it. Logically, in my head I knew it was a joke and he apologised afterwards, which was nice of him.

The other one was that I’ve felt quite awkward around someone for a little while, and I sent her something a while back, which was openly made fun of in front of other people, which although I should’ve been okay and shook it off as a joke I just couldn’t for a while, and I went all quiet. Ha, silly me. In my right mind, I’m okay with it, but with the recent feeling of how I seem to be like a joke to everyone I’ve ever been close to. It just stabbed me a little deep.

However, I’m okay. The uni stuff was nothing, which is why I’m stating it, so they don’t worry, as I know it was light-hearted, and the only reason I gave off the idea that it offended me was because of the stuff I’m dealing with outside of uni. So, I hope they don’t feel like they have hurt me!

Anyway, outside of Uni, I’ve had a friend for the good part of a decade, who I trusted with pretty much everything about me, we’ve talked for years, and not just typical “How are you’s” or “What you up to’s” but real, serious conversations, and we’ve been there for each other through it all. Just, either she keeps telling me her feelings, or I keep telling her. I thought about this for a while and thanks to a friend from Uni, and recent events at Uni I thought to question the way things were with my best friend. I know, what a jerk I am to ask someone their feelings, spot on, without hiding them, pretending or lying.

And she told me, and though she told me the answer I suspected, not hoped. It didn’t help, as we were flirting, even making plans. Weird, I thought. I won’t go into details, but I had an email from someone close to her asking me some questions and I answered, but from those questions I figured out there was another guy involved, and I just felt a little used, and I would normally shrug it off, but she was my best friend, for not just a week, or a month, but for eight freakin’ years.

And when words like love are involved in the process it’s… hard to just laugh it off and pretend it never happened.

I very much so have felt like a joke and I don’t understand what trust is anymore. People have been asking me if I’m okay but I don’t know how to answer, what am I supposed to say? Do I tell them everything? do I tell them nothing? And what if they end up getting close to me and doing something similar? or is that just the way things are with people these days, and I’m living in the past where people respected one another? I don’t understand.

Nevertheless, there has been one person that has been really helpful talking to me, and she’s been saying all the right words. So thank you to that person…

I’m sorry to everyone else, if I’ve left things unanswered, or not been as talkative the last few days.

With recent events over the last few months, and now this, I do simply feel like a joke. And not a funny one at that. Thank you for understanding. And I hope this gives you guys some clarity about why I seem like I’m with the faeries, and if I do seem ‘offended’ by anything. Thank you for not getting funny with me. And I hope everyone has a nice day.

Becoming myself again

So, I’ve settled some qualms in my past, and tried my best to end the malice over the last couple of days. I had an apology from someone which was very sweet. I apologised too, but I think we decided to leave it as that.

I had yet another important decision to make today, which to be honest, after a three-page letter to someone, I feel much better with myself. I have felt like I’ve been bottling up much of myself. As much as people feel I talk about everything on the blog, I only actually talk about one or two things, and keep much of myself from here. It’s actually quite funny seeing people think they can now work me out because they have read my blog.

Other than that, I’ve been fiddling around with words today, and getting back into the swing of being creative after a long period of confusion, and a wee-bit of peril!

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The Shadow of a Fox

She had eyes that glistened when reflecting the full moon. It showed a set of bright emerald green eyes, with a tinge of yellow in the inner iris. She stood in front of a man who had gripped her wrist firmly. She bit her lip and crunched her brow. She told herself she would not scare so easily. She had declared such words of passion only days before. She freed her arm with a strong swing, pirouetted her body flicking her long fiery red hair around her. In a matter of seconds her stare changed from being distressed, to one bolstered with the will of fire. Her smile, so wicked yet filling to the brim with courage. She had taken the power from him, and stood with straightened back. Her eyes squeezed out the tiniest drops of tears. She grew infuriated. She swung her arm hard, and fast. She slammed her hand into the man’s face so ferociously it knocked him off-balance. Though he didn’t fall to the floor, she knew she had shown her prowess.

“Lay a hand on me again, and I will remove it.”

She beckoned him, drawing all of her strength through her words. Impassioned, she took a step closer to him and when exhaling through her nostrils, and staring at him with widened eyes, and hardened gaze, he smiled.

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It doesn’t seem like much but I’ve enjoyed just writing this. Things will get better. I’m sure of it. 🙂

Onwards, and upwards, as they say!

Ending an ordeal, renewing steel.

So, aside from the fact that I have a daughter to look after, a house to run, moving house, assignments due, the pursuit of a better future for myself, and my daughter, I’ve somehow managed to lose track of the path I set myself back last year when I chose to try harder. I’ve been thinking about this for a good while, and recent events just proved it. So, this evening, I’ve decided to step back from anyone, and not ‘help'(unintentionally making things worse), play into other peoples hands, or fall into the trap of being victim.

I will be honest, I made a mistake with one of my blog posts a few days ago, by writing about a woman I know on here. It was pretty bad, but so was what she was doing. However, I was wrong to do so, and have already apologised to her, but shall apologise to her on here as well. I am sorry for publicising the problems I had with you.

This being said, I just wrote, and deleted about 700 more words, as I just assumed they’d be taken badly, again. What I’ll do instead, is this: I’m going to walk away from it all, I’ve deleted everyone, including the person it centres around, the only person I will deal with is her, and if she wants to talk to me, that’s fine. But that’s talk. If she doesn’t then we can go our separate ways here and forget each other all together.

I don’t have time to deal with these things, and I would assume neither does anyone else. Seeing as all the assignments have been building up. Anyway, I don’t wish to cause more trouble… but I don’t want to sit back and let it happen, so I’ve said my piece, and she refused to talk to me. Seeing as that is the course of action taken, I’d appreciate it if the rest of her ‘gang’ stopped.

This will be the final post on the matter, and further disruption will be taken as harassment.

That’s all I have to say on the matter…

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I’ve ended too many days with a headache, I’ve ended too many nights with a heartache, I’ve ended too many bottles with a sigh on my face, and when I had my daughter I chose to stop all the prancing around, the knit-picking, letting people break me. Though I have been dragged into several things over the last few years, I’ve not ran from them. I’ve turned my back on them when I’ve felt that they wouldn’t get better with my input, but I’ve never ran the other way. I’m always happy to talk to someone about anything, and happy to discuss any problem anyone has. If they’re half-decent about the ordeal I’ll gladly speak without so much as a hindrance to my day.

I’ve gone through the hardest days of my life, and came out of sound mind, sound body, and a sound soul. I won’t break, regardless of what anyone throws my way. I’m trying to get through my day without being upset with people, or with people being upset with me. What I’ve come to understand is that I should not help, listen, or give advice. I should walk away, do my own thing, and the people who join me when doing my own thing are the people I would like to spend my time with.

I’ve made some mistakes over the last few years, and I do regret some, but the regret never out-weighs the attempt, and that’s the difference, an unbreakable difference. I feel sorry for myself, just like many people do. But I’ve gotten back up so far, by myself, without another. I’m sorry to my friends, for being a dick sometimes, and hope you can all forgive me for being a doughnut at times, but I’ll always be around for the people who want me there.

Over the next few months I’m focusing on myself, doing things my way, aiming for a real achievement as I keep letting everything get in my way. Literally, everything. I’ve got to make a few apologies, and I know I may say things that hurt people, but that’s because I’m bottling up things that aren’t mine to bottle, and that I don’t feel right. Once I get myself free of them, I’ll be fine again.

Thank you to the friends that have been there for me though, the ones who listen to me rant, and may not say much, but understand, most of the things that come out of my mouth. Ha. I wouldn’t be here right now if it wasn’t for you. I started this post to kick start a down period, and it will also be my final response to previous blogs. That being said, I don’t wish malice on anyone, not even the person who has hurt me the most in my life time. Who has not been in our lives now for almost a year.

What I want to do however, is move higher with myself, and help anyone who wants the same, not to wallow in darkness, sadness, or madness. I want to make things better for myself, and those around me, so please feel free to talk to me any time for those who feel the same, but those who wish for anger, despair and disgrace please, feel free to exit. I won’t stop you, no matter who you are, or how important you are to me. I don’t have time for it.

I hope I haven’t offended anyone, and I’ve made sure to apologise throughout this post, but this will be the last time I show everyone my vulnerable side, and unless you truly earn it, you won’t know whether you’re talking to me, or a completely different person. Goodnight, and I wish everyone, and I mean everyone, the best in life.

Running through the jungle

They say life is like a jungle. You walk through it only to find you’re falling over brambles, stumbling through shrubs; Balancing on the roots of thick, large, trees that tower high above you. The array of green and brown colours strangle your eye-sight making you blind. They say you don’t ever leave that jungle, alive. If you don’t succumb to the flora, and lose your way, you may fall into slumber through the venom of the viper, or the poison of the spider. If you struggle, and thwart them all, you may find yourself facing a lion, a cougar, a tiger, or another predator.

So, you’re crawling through the jungle, avoiding the insects, the leaves of trees, the snakes, and spiders, the ones lying in shadow. You confront the lion, your eye-sight squeezed, drained of life. You see nothing, it’s dark. What do you do in the dark? Do you give up? Keep running? hoping for something?

You come close to others, but never see them. You hear the rustling, the stumbles of people just like you. Why can’t you see them? Why aren’t they there? You can hear them? You come close to them? But you aren’t seeing them.

You back off, back against a towering tree, your feet dug into the soil of the earth. Are you scared? Are you alone?

What if things were different? You were given a second sight, in your head. You were given insight, a lead. You were shown how to struggle before you needed to. You were shown where to step,  and which path to take. Do you end up getting out of the jungle? Do you end up fleeing? Or do you end up at the same tree, which you turned your back to, once before?

 

 

Friendship

 

I try my very best to be there for the people I call my friends. I really do. I get stressed, go out of my way for talks and I am always there to give advice. And though it sometimes tests my patience, and I end up in contemplative moods, or a little frustrated, I love seeing the smile on my friends faces when they felt like they had someone there, and know they can talk to me.

Last night we arranged to go out, about ten. Some cancelled, as some always do due to other responsibilities, and children… which is absolutely fine. The thing I do not like is when someone tells you they will go, and then they don’t show up. They don’t answer their phones, and it’s even worse when three hours before they promise someone they’d go.

That being said, we all have our reasons for not showing up, and not doing things we gave our word on. It is a big no no to me, because I always go out of my way for the same people. Always. So you can imagine my irritation with people when they disappear without an explanation or so much of a few words just saying, “Something came up, I’m sorry.”

Now, it would be different if I got stood up by the person, but I was with some lovely people who made it and we really did have about 7 or so hours of laughter, fun, a little bit of stress running around but all in all… we had a good time, I was sorry for the one friend who had to go home early due to issues with ID, and he thought he ruined our night. He didn’t. He really didn’t and we were all more than happy to sit with him in the cold until he got a ride home. That’s what friends do without a second thought, and I knew that was how the others felt too.

It was nice.

We ended up dancing for the last hour and a half, because… why not. I stupidly didn’t bring a jacket so I was absolutely fine with dancing, ha-ha.

This morning, after talks with a friend, I decided I can’t be close to the person anymore, due to feeling like if I say something she won’t like, I’ll be threatened by her boyfriend, and I don’t handle being threatened well… I’m fed up of hearing I’ve angered him, or pissed him off, aside from the concept behind men being primal, everything would have been different if he messaged me and simply said, “she’ll tell you in the morning” but I guess that is too much to ask from another human being.

Well, whatever happens, happens. I had a great time with a number of people and enjoyed myself. I dropped my phone, and nothing smashed, or chipped, so I’m brilliant!

I just want to write that I want to be there for as many people as I can, sometimes I walk away from people because they lose my respect, my sympathy, or refuse to help themselves. Sometimes, it’s more personal like a lover, or an ex… but I’m annoying enough to be there for someone when they ask me to be, if they’ve shown me a small amount of respect.

And that goes for anyone.

I told myself that I wouldn’t be taken into arguments and that I wouldn’t let it all get to me. It’s harder than I thought, but I’m doing this for me. I’m just done with feeling like I’m talking to more than one person when I talk to someone, and being asked to be honest and open when I don’t get the same response, sometimes at first, but sometimes at all.

I hope everyone enjoys their day, and please don’t feel I’m angry, or unhappy… I’m genuinely fine. The way I roll.

An icy wind

The region covered in a blanket of thick white snow. Untouched by man, still set, left in peace.  A pleasure to see plastering the valleys, brightening up the land with such a pure colour.

As for the streets, they were left. Stone-grey turned white-light, bright enough to wake you up at night.  To disguise the shadows with a body of white skin. The streets were yet to be gritted, butchered by sand, and salt.

The closer to town you came, the snow turned to ice. It lingered, it hid, taking the image of puddles, and the wet floor.  It seemed almost putrid with the distinction lack of empathy it showed passerbys. What a trickster it was.

Along the path into town, we were caught in an array of black ice underneath the soft thin layer of snow. At first, I grabbed my daughter in my arms and slid down the ramp in the snow. Though as she leaned out my balance was lost and I fell to my backside,  and she fell on top of me. At least I protected her. Myself, not so much. At first she cried, but then found it funny. We clung to the cold iron bars that ran along standing as a fence until we reached safety. At that point it was safer to jump into a taxi and get to the campus.

The problem with ice is that everything stops. The busses to my campus stopped, and several paths/roads were closed. I was lucky to live on the road. I won’t be taken unsuspecting by the ice-cold fiend again. This is war.

 

I hope everyone has a nice day and enjoys the read!

 

Days like this

On days like this things catch up to me.

On days like this, everything fails to captivate me.

On days like this, I feel alone.

Last night I went into a bit of a shutdown state and for the first time in a long time I switched off my phone, or turned aeroplane mode on… and led on my bed trying to quiet my mind, and disappear for a bit. The only person I kept an eye, or rather ear for was my daughter.

After a horrendous dream, an uncomfortable hour lying in bed, I turned my pocket monster back on and checked up on some people. Within several minutes I was in a conversation that was quite dramatic. I don’t know how I do this. Anyway, I was happy to talk about it all, and discuss it openly, thinking that I wasn’t going to be brought into it. But I was, more so as an excuse for insecurity. It is a feeling I’ve been used to for far too long.

I had a personal morning out of uni to go somewhere to deal with something. Fun, without details, right? Anyway, it was a big enough reason to make me have a shutdown yesterday. It must be important.

On top of that, after receiving a message from a friend asking why another friend was asking where I was, but never said anything to me when I came online, and didn’t leave me a message, it seemed a bit bizarre, and with everything going on, I need someone.

I felt a little bit alone, as I haven’t told anyone where I had to go, or why but I have to go there again Friday, and hopefully it’ll all be nothing and I can carry on walking. As for today, I’m standing still. I needed my friends today, but they were all busy, which I can’t blame them for, obviously… but it makes me feel like I shouldn’t rely on other people, as it’s only ever me I’m stuck with forever…

I tried talking to said friend about why she asked about me last night, as with the context it seemed more like she was digging for info when she could’ve just asked me. The response I had simply made me feel worse… so I’ve stopped completely.

It’s funny how no matter what happens, some people are always there for others, but when you need help, it’s too much trouble. I know how this will come across to the people who read it, and within a few days I’ll forget it, bury it, or let it go, and put a mask on that no one can see through, and pretend I’m all dandy, and okay. Which by that point I’m hoping that I am. Saturday will be a good night out, if I haven’t upset some of the people going already, but if I have, then no matter…

I hate feeling like this, and wish I didn’t get like it at all, but sometimes I simply cannot smile and say that everything is okay.

 

Edit** I caught a friend on the way out, who gave me a hug and asked me if I was okay after seeing the glum look on my face. She walked with me to pick my daughter up and had a chat on the way to the train station. She really cheered me up, which I’m grateful for. So thank you to that person. 🙂 Kindness never goes unappreciated…

Waking up from a dream, inside a dream of a dream.

This evening I’ve been thinking about my day, and it is very very rare I get ill, even simply a cold. Nevertheless it messes with my head a bit, I feel like my brain goes on auto pilot except for small hiccups throughout the day where it needs all of me to guide it. I noticed it when I was all wheezy and sneezy and then when I needed to sort out viewing a house, and a few estate agents lack of promise I was quick to act, full of concentration and down to the bone.

I’d like to write about connection this evening, not so much about love.

Sometimes, I go days without doing anything that could be associated with spiritualism and when not doing anything like meditation for so long, I get all fussy, distracted and off. That’s just me, so the seven hours of meditation I commit myself to a week really help. It keeps me together. It keeps me strong.

As of late, and today… I’ve been thinking about connection, and the moment I touched another’s hand and felt an array of emotions, and for a split moment, a gaze that was associated with more than simple barriers and masks came out. There are surreal moments like these that make me feel like I’m dreaming. I so badly wish I was awake. I so badly wish they were change-able or even at best, containable.

Lately, I’ve switched off any concept of more than anything with anyone, I had almost given up trying to make friends and a good impression. I helped two people on the weekend, and it helped me feel like I made a difference. It lasted, for a while… and though they may not know it but they don’t realise how much it made me smile when they thanked me, on the inside, of course.

The moment I felt today, pushed me in a state of dreaming, it made me feel like I was sleeping, and had yet to wake up. Whether or not it was, is a different question.

I arrived home, with my little monster, and our next door neighbour gave us dinner, and we had a chat, I’ll miss my next door neighbour.

I sat here, thinking of three things: a feeling of uncertainty of days yet to come, a roller-coaster of emotions when it comes to seeing certain people who seem to be to stay in my life, and the fact that I spent a lesson making someone smile, by just being me. It was quite refreshing. I mean, I’m not that funny, but she spent about twenty minutes laughing at a joke I made about black bears. I am that awesome. I know, ha.

Goodnight, and I think I found a house I may be able to call home, for now.  Thank you for reading.

To those trying to figure me out, if you have anything to ask, just ask.