I expected to be busy throughout my holidays but instead my brain has decided to kick everything to the highest gear.
I’ve figured a few things out, oh – I have, I have.
First things first, when it comes to the people from my past I’ve decided to let it go, and I’m not very good at letting anything go. Anyone who knows me should know this, or has yet to find out.
I do try though, it takes a lot for me.
Christmas Eve was the first time in a while I practiced Tai chi, for more than an exercise. I closed my eyes, and pranced around the room like a fool… no one was there of course, everyone was out getting drunk. My daughter fell asleep early, and I was sat there wondering what to do…
I had this horrible notion in my mind about my year and had been contemplating everything that had happened throughout 2015. It shot around my head like a whirlwind that was on fire.
So, shifting my steps, and reaching my arms out, and back… balancing my center I felt at peace. It was pleasant. It was the first time I visualized my problems as things that were alive. I imagined crows resting on my shoulders, and my arms, a dozen or so of them, holding me down. That was thanks to a conversation I had with my mother, where she spoke of a conversation with someone who told her such a thing.
Don’t you love having the imagination of a writer?
I’ve been carrying things from my past for far too long, and far too much of it. It has been a little painful to bear as of late and has been crushing my confidence.
Every decision I make I get into the habit of questioning why I made such a decision, could I have made a better decision, or my best question is, “What could I have done to make make it better?”
These are such toxic questions, and through meditation i silenced questions like these, and trained my mind to avoid them… however, I’ve been slipping and over the past couple of weeks and months I have felt the re-precautions.
My brain runs off key-words. It could be as simple as a conversation… someone inquiring about an ex, about a year, about a date, about a single dollop of my day and it could send my brain into a thinking frenzy of no escape, tiring my eyes, and exhausting my gaze.
In all honestly, it makes me feel old… if anything.
Anyway, each crow on my shoulder represented a different problem,
My biggest doubts, current fears, people I wish to forget, or let go of…
Paths I never pursued…
You get the point, right?
And I felt, for a moment, after all of that… happy. Happy that I could tell the people I had hurt that I was sorry, or to let the people I should have released from my life, go.
My contemplation yielded much promise. Still, I was dealing with the past but now I had dealt with it the best I could, and I made a promise I would go into 2016 with a better view, an improved eye, and a strengthened sense of conviction.
From seeing family members over the Christmas period that seemed like they were trapped in a circle, suffering the same thing they were when I first left 5 months ago… I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them… or disappointed that, that was what they wanted to do with their time, their life.
I have been in a little bit of an argumentative mood with a family member or two due to the way they squander all responsibilities and refuse to grow up, but I won’t let it upset me. After all, change what you can change, and let go of what you can’t, right?
I decided on a plan for January, and the plan is to lose 4 stone or rather 25.5 kilograms by June 2016. So that leaves me 6 months to lose it… near enough.
I decided that I’ll get onto doing more work and less play, like I told myself I would when I started this year of Uni… ah well, we are our own demons, I suppose.
I just need to talk to one more person before 2016 begins, and let them go, but I still have time for that. I’ve enjoyed my stay at my parents, though I have felt as though I’ve done nothing of note.
Once I move closer to my University, I’ll be restarting the gym again, and really kicking it into gear. I can’t wait…
I did however, love watching my daughter open her endless amount of presents given by everyone, and myself which was lovely to see her face. It is such a beautiful thing to see.
Alas, 2015, and the people who I have wronged or who have wronged me… It is time to let go of it all, and I won’t give in to it all from here on out.
Onwards, and upwards, eh?!
Thank you for reading, and I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their holidays.