The side you do not see.

I’ve been writing about my emotional responses to University life, and private life on here over the last couple of weeks and it will stop after today. This will be the last time I give anyone a chance to see deeper than than what they think they see.

I know how I come across, okay? I come across an arrogant, flirty, a tempter of fate, almost. I come across as someone who seems to have everything worked out, pedantic when other people don’t know those type of answers, don’t know themselves. I make too many jokes, insulting ones, that may very much be taken in the wrong way if you are any less than tough as nails. I know that, it’s how I come across.

I’d like to think people see behind it, and I’ve been told to give people more credit than that. From my better judgement, I’ve allowed other people the chance to judge me.

I recently read a 4 paragraph insult aimed at me, all the hate someone had bundled up from dealing with me for 2 months. Only two months. They’re even writing a short story about me getting hit by a train. It is funny sometimes because I’m seen as someone who doesn’t feel or doesn’t hurt. I get seen as some villainous monster who thrives from other peoples pain…

Well, I’m not.

I’m really not.

Since I started University, I feel like I’ve gone through a year of it already:

I had a little crush on someone who was quite different to me, I mean, we talked, personally, and she seemed really interested in return. Though, she lived her life of hers, so much more to the full than I ever did, or ever could. I envy the care-free attitude she had, and the way she handled her words. It was nice. So that was my little crush. We had a hint of clashing personalities. She was really sensitive, and so am I. – though this happened, and it made a week or two of Uni quite awkward for the both of us, we’ve settled what happened and we’re friends again. We both said sorry and that was that, so it wasn’t too bad. And bless her, she’s been really nice, since so little things like that help.

Between this, which could have explained to someone why my head was so screwed up, something terrible happened. Someone I dated for a very short time in the beginning of the year, sent me an email about her having a baby, and though I couldn’t bring myself to agree with this, or accept it… it didn’t stop the pain that hurt my heart. I was really scared I’d go through the same thing with the mother of my daughter, but we all create our own demons, but this time I held mine in. I know the girl was upset and must have tried contacting me now and then, I checked my emails once in a blue moon you see, and because we left things on such bad terms I blocked her and tried to clear my head. I couldn’t deal with such drama when I was with my daughter, so I stopped the drama. Needless to say my heart never stopped caring, or never stopped hurting and when I talked to her, I had a picture of an epitaph sent to me, which, whether I believed he was mine, or whether I thought I was an asshole for making the same mistake, or whether I thought this person could be lying, as that’s what I’ve been used to over the last five or so years of my life, being lied to, everyday about everything.

Anyway, though I talked to the girl for an evening we both deemed it for the best we stop talking… she hated me, despised me even. I couldn’t blame her, though this is what nobody gets, I don’t want to have to pretend to be macho and pretend I’m as strong as oak, when I’m as sensitive as water, running through a river. Call it stupid, lame or ridiculous as I have been ridiculed and told I was weak for it in my past… However, I do acknowledge that these things happened, and they did hurt me. You have no idea how many times I cried, to myself, when nobody saw, when I didn’t have the responsibilities of my daughter, or dealt with people in University. It’d always be when I’m alone, no one around, or even to talk to. Sometimes, even when I had people to talk to, I’d just hide it well… I don’t even know why, I come from a family who saw telling feelings as being weak, not to say I’m blaming them. This is my fault.

Anyway, moving on… so whilst this happened, I had a friend throughout the first two months of University, whom I thought we had a quirky, cheeky relationship. We flirted once or twice when drunk, though she was never interested in me. I didn’t mind, it was just a fun time, drinking, laughing, I mean I made her smile so much it was nice. I really enjoyed her company, and I made cheeky jokes, making jokes like, “You know we’d be awesome together.” Without the intention of meaning it, I really didn’t. I meant it in a way that was truly a gentle, joking gesture. However, sometimes, other times, we would insult each other, she’d say, “I’m a strong viking, I have no feelings. You’re a puny British person” and I found it hilarious, I’d make a joke about vikings, and sometimes the digs hurt her, sometimes me, though I never once held a grudge against her for it. After all, most of the time, after those jokes on a Tuesday evening, going to slimming world we’d watch an episode of something, I’d make us dinner and we’d laugh and joke, smile and she’d then go home.

When she got close to  another friend, that’s when it got complicated. I’d make jokes  saying they’d work well as a couple, only in jest. Teasing them. Now, they weren’t massively insulting jokes, I wasn’t putting them down or calling them horrible demon children or something. Though what I didn’t know was that our friend was saying the same thing about her and I, and I think it got a bit too much for her coming from both fronts. As she couldn’t be mad with him after the party she blamed me, even though we were all teasing each other. At one point, she even said to us, “Hey, you guys would be great together. Hahaha” and that’s what we thought was a joke. Sadly, we were wrong. I will state that she did ask me not to tease her so much twice before the party, and though I planned on it, I forgot about it or rather thought it wasn’t so bad when she then made jokes with me all day.

Anyway, it got worse, and it got to the point where she stopped talking to me. I felt so bad about this, I was so confused, in my mind, for some reason I didn’t think I was being that bad, but it got to her, and I felt terrible about it. At first I was defensive because I was upset that my jokes got taken so badly. I really didn’t think she’d be like it. Anyway – I stopped the argument and went up to talk to her. I tried to explain my side of it, listened to her side, we agreed to forget it, and I hadn’t said an insult to her since, at all. Then I find out she’s been really horrible to me, completely ignoring me, and writing about me in her blogs, even writing stories about hurting me? It is pretty insane. I don’t know what to do now, and I’m sat here right now, as we speak, with tears rolling down my face like a buffoon.

Anyway, I don’t hate her for it, I don’t hate her at all, if anything I’m sorry that my jokes, my behaviour, and arrogant ass of a self has caused her so much trouble. I do wish I could talk to her and explain that, I haven’t told her what I thought, or started an argument, I left it at that and thought it was better to block her and remove her if she loathed me so… that was when she took that in a way that was me exploding. I just thought, “Why would you wanna see what I’m writing if you don’t want anything to do with me?” and well, after a little more of a pathetic cry I decided that instead of shouting or arguing over seeing such a public display of hatred I thought it’d be better to ask if she wanted to talk, get these feelings over with, out there.

Anyway, I’m really concerned about this, but in her eyes I’m a monster… well, if I need to be hated for a little while I can accept that. Even if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore I’d be happy just knowing I’d end a war that hopefully neither of us want for the next 3 years.

Moving away from the friend.

I fell in love with someone.

Though, stupidly enough I fell in love with someone who is with someone else. Way to go Dan, as if you couldn’t be more stupid. The worst thing was is that, I know some women may not believe it, but it’s very very very rare that we men feel comfortable, and safe around anyone, or at least, it is for me. I don’t know, I don’t think I got this close with the big Ex.

Well, an emotional roller-coaster of a month, my feelings haven’t shifted. Still there, but I decided to step back, and ignore my feelings, as not only have I been a shitty friend, I wasn’t about to sabotage someone else’s chance of happiness, nor am I able to live with myself if anything happened other than friendship. Maybe one day I’ll find someone that sees me for me, and isn’t with someone, that’ll be the day, ha…

In all honestly, it’s what I usually end my nights thinking, but then again, at this point, I don’t think I’m worth the trouble. I get told all the time that I’m way too serious, but when I joke I upset everyone… I don’t know what to do and it’s really upsetting me…

In all honestly, my days just can’t get any better…

I actually sat on my own the other night and asked myself, in my head, “What is wrong with me to upset everyone else?” and it’s really not the intention, quite the opposite, which is why I spend most of my time complimenting people…

It doesn’t even stop there… what people don’t realise who do not have children, is that I have a child who is currently potty training, so when I’m not doing uni work, I’m running around panicking, hoping she doesn’t wee on the bus, or in uni, or on the floor… etc etc. As well as the fact that I give so much energy to my daughter that I don’t actually get much time to think about these things anymore… or deal with them in the right way, everything always seems rushed.

So, when it comes down to it I end up on a night like this, where my parents have my daughter tonight, due to her having chicken pox, because I had a test today and have lessons for the rest of the week, so they’re looking after her for me, bless them.

But all I’ve done tonight is cry over people who hate me, and try my best not to haunt myself when I’m alone… so I hope I don’t come across as an asshole, a monster or a bastard every day, I hope that one person, just one person sees through it… and realises that all I bloody want is someone to show concern for my well being, as I’ve not had that for the longest of time, more than a question of how I am every so often by a few people at the most.

This is just the personal stuff that has happened in my life over the last two months, and I’ve left some of it out due to them only bothering me for a short while… This is the way my mind works everyday.

I don’t need other people to call me a monster or a villain to feel shit, I do enough of it myself. That is the side I tend to hide though, because why would I want to show anyone that side of me?

So, simply… I am sorry, to everyone I have hurt, and continue to hurt. The people who stay in my life I appreciate more than you could ever possibly imagine, and I’d really one day like to show you how much you all mean to me, because I’m not some hardened ass who has enough problems I don’t think about anyone else… I distance myself, make jokes and pretend I’m bigger than what I am because otherwise, you’ll rarely see a smile on my face, that twinkle in my eye that makes you feel like I’m on top of the world, all day. Sometimes, like when I read out an emotional story in class, sometimes I just ask for help… but I rarely ever get it, so I output like that instead. I’m sorry.

For those whom this message affects, please don’t hate me for it, and feel free to ask me to pull it down if it offends you in any way.

I don’t think anyone realises that I’m actually considering taking a gap year, so I don’t have to feel this way, with how many mistakes I keep making with people. All of this over the space of 3 months, it is truly ridiculous… and I told myself I’d have no drama this year… I’d kick myself if I could.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, or has left me alone when I’m moody. I hope you know how much each and everyone of you mean to me. You are all the reasons I get through my day, that, and my lovely little girl who I couldn’t live without.

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