I’ve been wondering how to start this all day. My emotions are swinging from the top of the world to the bottom of the deepest sea. It is a little bit frustrating dealing with these emotions, though I’m glad I’m enjoying these thoughts while my daughter is at her Grandparents house. At least I get a little time to myself, to let all the emotions of the last two weeks into perspective.
Between losing a friend, letting someone go, and an absolutely treacherous assignment I’ve been a little lost, sat in the middle and trying to look in all directions. Enough is enough, I think.
I don’t have the ability to stand still for very long, or be indecisive. I don’t have that luxury of slowing down enough to witness even the stars pass me by. I miss watching the stars, actually.
I’ll start with the basic, I’ve upset a friend, over the last two months of University. I’ve decided not to speak my side of things, and to let her carry on hating me. I thought we cleared things up after a hug and a chat. I even said sorry, such a rare thing – with meaning. Anyway, it seems that she is struggling with her own demons so much so that she’s blaming me for them, instead of her father… I can’t help someone who’s dealing with that so I decided that I’d let her direct her hate at me rather than causing a fuss because, well. I hope it helps her get to a place where she can be happy if she can put her burden on another. I shouldn’t really, it goes against what I stand for… Sometimes you have to bend the rules now and then, right?
Here’s the more complicated one. Over the last two weeks I’d gotten close with a friend of mine who had been understanding, accepting and very nice to me. To the point where I actually felt safe around her. You may not think that is a big deal, but it is to me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt the feeling of being safe. Anyway, it messed with my head for a little while and I had to give that person a choice – it is a little confusing, as we’re both so sensitive but after walking away from the person in anything more than friendship, I can’t help but feeling I left the concept of feeling safe again, as well. The problem is, that with me – it takes a while for feelings to reveal themselves to me. When I say it takes a while, I mean that things take a while to sink in, good and bad so I’m now feeling a horrible mix of emotions today, even though the chat was during the week.
I’ve been stuck in contemplation far too much and it has been tormenting me.
I mean, the problem I find the most is the fact that this person, again is worried about hurting me, or upsetting me. I hate it, because it feels like she’s making the choice she made for me, not for her.
I somehow, can’t help but track back to the idea that I’m just not worth the trouble and that feeling is strong. I am getting to the point where from what people are telling me “the way I am” and from what I know, “the way I am” I feel like I’m two different people. I spend most of my day laughing, smiling and trying to make jokes, and usually in the evenings, when my daughter is asleep, I think about things, everything really, life. However, lately, I’ve been told I seem to make everyone cry. I don’t mean to? The jokes I make are never said with bad intentions, or with a hateful glint in my eye. I rarely feel anger at all any more and the feeling I get from this is just sadness. I wish I could talk to them about it but it just seems like though they tell me they were okay with the jokes, or it was funny at the time, it seems the jokes I make always linger on one’s mind, and it gets thrown out when the person gets sad, or becomes self-loathing..
Honestly, it makes me so confused I’m contemplating giving up trying with anyone…
I guess, only time will tell.
Thank you for taking the time to read.