2015 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2015 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A San Francisco cable car holds 60 people. This blog was viewed about 560 times in 2015. If it were a cable car, it would take about 9 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

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Definition

What defines you?

What defines me?

What defines us?

This question is something I’ve been asking myself as of late. For the past few months it comes and goes like a fish getting baited but never caught. I often feel like the answer has some hidden meaning that will help me accept the world more. It doesn’t.

I’ve asked all the questions, “Is it what we do which defines us?”, “Is it what we think?”, “Is it what we have yet to do?”, “Is it our likes? our interests? our traits?”, “Is it our legacy?”, “Our claim?”

A possibly poisonous amount of questions. And for what?

An answer that will give me a thousand more questions?

I often express this feeling through text, and I’ve been questioned by a few close friends of how I think, in a minute, in an hour, in a day…

Well, here’s a bit of both, for it slips out of a locked door, and whispers down hallways that no other have walked but I… the corridors holding my mind together… and it whispers so softly, yet with shattering, tear-jerking effect.

“What defines you?”

“Who are you?”

“Are you the past? the current mask? or the yet to be?”

These questions leave me lonelier, and lonelier, and they aren’t the only ones. I succumb to such thinking and lie, awake, walking down my corridors – too scared to open any doors.

I can pretend to answer them, or give it a neat little trick telling you it means nothing, and everything. I could tell you we are who we are, defined by both. The black and white conundrum. Heaven and Hell. Is that the difference?

Maybe someday, I’ll find the answer… Who are you? What defines you?

Though, if it all means nothing, disconnection is what I feel when I look around.

An early post, and an early night

Hello all,

I expected to be busy throughout my holidays but instead my brain has decided to kick everything to the highest gear.

I’ve figured a few things out, oh – I have, I have.

First things first, when it comes to the people from my past I’ve decided to let it go, and I’m not very good at letting anything go. Anyone who knows me should know this, or has yet to find out.

I do try though, it takes a lot for me.

 

Christmas Eve was the first time in a while I practiced Tai chi, for more than an exercise. I closed my eyes, and pranced around the room like a fool… no one was there of course, everyone was out getting drunk. My daughter fell asleep early, and I was sat there wondering what to do…

I had this horrible notion in my mind about my year and had been contemplating everything that had happened throughout 2015. It shot around my head like a whirlwind that was on fire.

So, shifting my steps, and reaching my arms out, and back… balancing my center I felt at peace. It was pleasant. It was the first time I visualized my problems as things that were alive. I imagined crows resting on my shoulders, and my arms, a dozen or so of them, holding me down. That was thanks to a conversation I had with my mother, where she spoke of a conversation with someone who told her such a thing.

Don’t you love having the imagination of a writer?

I’ve been carrying things from my past for far too long, and far too much of it. It has been a little painful to bear as of late and has been crushing my confidence.

Every decision I make I get into the habit of questioning why I made such a decision, could I have made a better decision, or my best question is, “What could I have done to make make it better?”

These are such toxic questions, and through meditation i silenced questions like these, and trained my mind to avoid them… however, I’ve been slipping and over the past couple of weeks and months I have felt the re-precautions.

My brain runs off key-words. It could be as simple as a conversation… someone inquiring about an ex, about a year, about a date, about a single dollop of my day and it could send my brain into a thinking frenzy of no escape, tiring my eyes, and exhausting my gaze.

In all honestly, it makes me feel old… if anything.

Anyway, each crow on my shoulder represented a different problem,

My biggest doubts, current fears, people I wish to forget, or let go of…

Paths I never pursued…

You get the point, right?

And I felt, for a moment, after all of that… happy. Happy that I could tell the people I had hurt that I was sorry, or to let the people I should have released from my life, go.

My contemplation yielded much promise. Still, I was dealing with the past but now I had dealt with it the best I could, and I made a promise I would go into 2016 with a better view, an improved eye, and a strengthened sense of conviction.

From seeing family members over the Christmas period that seemed like they were trapped in a circle, suffering the same thing they were when I first left 5 months ago… I couldn’t help but feel sorry for them… or disappointed that, that was what they wanted to do with their time, their life.

I have been in a little bit of an argumentative mood with a family member or two due to the way they squander all responsibilities and refuse to grow up, but I won’t let it upset me. After all, change what you can change, and let go of what you can’t, right?

 

I decided on a plan for January, and the plan is to lose 4 stone or rather 25.5 kilograms by June 2016. So that leaves me 6 months to lose it… near enough.

I decided that I’ll get onto doing more work and less play, like I told myself I would when I started this year of Uni… ah well, we are our own demons, I suppose.

I just need to talk to one more person before 2016 begins, and let them go, but I still have time for that. I’ve enjoyed my stay at my parents, though I have felt as though I’ve done nothing of note.

Once I move closer to my University, I’ll be restarting the gym again, and really kicking it into gear. I can’t wait…

I did however, love watching my daughter open her endless amount of presents given by everyone, and myself which was lovely to see her face. It is such a beautiful thing to see.

Alas, 2015, and the people who I have wronged or who have wronged me… It is time to let go of it all, and I won’t give in to it all from here on out.

Onwards, and upwards, eh?!

Thank you for reading, and I hope everyone enjoys the rest of their holidays.

Merry Christmas

This is a short post just to proclaim the festivities for this winter.

After going through Yule, the winter Solstice and finally Christmas. I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, may the peace be with you, and you, and even you.

I am glad to have this break, spending some time with my family. I can’t wait to see the look on my daughter’s face when all the presents show u under the tree. I guess Christmas is totally different when you’re the one waiting for someone to open the presents, as opposed to being the one given presents by people like your parents.

One thing is certain, Britain is feeling less up for Christmas, now than ever. When I walked down the street today I saw perhaps one in three houses that had decorations up, or enough for others to see. It is a little sad. That, combined with the lack of snow, and the strange amount of sun on Christmas eve is enough to throw you off the Christmas spirit.

Well,

nevermind.

Everyone, I hope you all have a lovely Christmas. I had a lovely chat with someone yesterday which really made me feel special. Bet she has no idea, too. Ah well.

I’ll not be writing another blog post until January, enjoy the silence!!

What you were is no different from what you are

Although this is severely embarrassing, and a token from my past, I stumbled upon it sifting through my documents today.

“Though you smile an empty shade, and feel like a bitter grey… I hope you know how I feel, so content, so happy, so, so deeply in love. Your eyes were hazel, your hair was black, pale white skin, under a mask… I saw it too, I saw into you, a beauty unreachable, one never to be sold. I watch your smile, and my heart sings. We talk each day and spin our sorrows, we discuss our ire, pain and shared our story. Each time, it felt like we sat around a fire, looking into one another’s eyes. It was perfect, for a time. I’ve yet to let you go, from my mind… A couple of years I’ve been like this, thinking of you, thinking of this…” (2011)

This was a while ago, and I’m still in touch with you, we keep each other strong when we reach our tether, although we’re far, we keep together. You cross my mind from day to day, I’ll always remember that feeling inside.

 

 

A snowed out path becomes clear

Good morning, everyone.

I have felt like I’ve been walking through a blizzard, unable to see for a long time now. Sometimes, I’d think it would go on forever, and other times I feel like it already has taken enough of my life away.

It withers,

It whittles,

It wains.

From what I’ve been like, it has been as though I have been stepping bare-foot through a forest covered in snow. So much so, that you could not tell whether those things around you were even trees, just statues made of snow. My feet, cold, and my head numb, my fingers painful, my senses made dumb. Stumbling, even fumbling through the depth of despair; often wondering when the snow would stop,  or when the ice would crumble.

I’ve met people on my path, through the snowy blizzards, we held onto one another’s jackets, playing tug-of-war until the other let go, and we carried on walking… a few found light, in my own darkness however, lighting torches, helping me to see. It was like spotting a checkpoint or two, a place to save, a campfire to sit around…

But this is what pushed me to write this post.

The fact is that even though, I’ve felt like this, and walked through cold nights, or heavy rains, I still see torches light up the night, and warm the ice-cold fingers that allow me to dig through the cold, icy landscape that is life.

I find that I meet these people in my dreams, first, and after. More than that, it feels like I’m connected to them, and it’s an amazing feeling. I don’t think you understand, so let me explain…

I’ve never felt connected to everyone and I’ve always had this feeling of loneliness, ever since I was young. For as long as I remember, in fact. I was always told, “Smile,” or “Brighten up” but I couldn’t help but think what the point was. I felt like I was searching for someone, something, always.

When I found the first person that really touched my heart, it helped me begin to understand the type of feeling that it was. Imagine being connected to someone, to some people that stretches the boundaries of life, or more so… the boundary of time… and then seeing them eye to eye for what would be the first time, you’re so sure of it…

But, I’m not sure of anything like that anymore… Everyone thinks they know how the world works, even from a young age, told by society the way to think and the way to act, and what to feel, and what to scat… I don’t feel this, and I won’t pretend to know, truly, what is out there, but what I’ve experienced, and I’ve experienced this…

Lets see if you have to. When you meet someone for the very first time, but you feel like you know them, your energies already knot together, like you’ve known them for years, or within days, or weeks of talking to them you feel what they feel, understand how they think… or become strong, for them, when they’re weak…

Anyway…

Moving on from the past, and moving on from such a point of view…

I’ve come to understand what it is I’m searching for, though if I tell you, that would be cheating.

Over the next three years, I’ll be travelling abroad, and getting a driving license, doing a PGCE, and perhaps getting my Masters in another country, and possible staying there. It really depends on where those torches take me, where I feel the right direction is, and whether I have the courage to be daring, to venture out.

I am grateful for those who’ve always nurtured me, or listened to my words, and I’ll be grateful to those to come…

The snow has stopped, and today, if only for today… I see the path so warm, so inviting, and I put my first step onto it, rather than walking through the grass beside it.

 

** In other news, I’m going to start vlogging this blog, as an experiment, and to gain a bit of confidence. Though I will be using a 3D Avatar to talk it. It has been so much fun trying it out. Anyway, here’s the picture.

#facerig

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Beauty, something we rarely notice

If you haven’t guessed it by my previous posts I’ve been having a shoddy few weeks. I’d like to think that I’m passing through it now as I no longer wake up with a moody fatigued look on my face and now and then I wake up with a smile on my face.

After taking my daughter into Nursery and preparing for a long day in the Library I look out, and instead of seeing the gloomy hills of Wales, or the fact that rain will targeting me soon, I see beauty.

I see the lush green trees dancing around me, and the birds chasing one another. Though I stand in a campus of concrete, I do notice the flower seeds being set in the earth, and the rabbits hopping around the woods near the nursery. I just think, I could have chosen a much worse place to be, and rather than feeling like I’m walking down the wrong road, as I’ve felt for a little while, I feel like I’m heading to a good place.

Although I’ve been sad over silly romances and things, it certainly is a relief knowing no one has any expectations, nor do I feel beckoned into worrying about others. I can let go for a little while, even if its a minute, and the strangest thing happens – I smile.

Only a short one from me today, I hope everyone has a nice day.

How it all Began

Creative time! *14122015

So, I’ve been asked how my mind works when it comes to planning out my novel.

It never started organised.

It never started sharply.

Most stories start perhaps in the middle, or at the beginning. My story, for me. Started with the end.

I thought of all the stories I read as a child, all the games I played, and recited the final fantasy stories in my head thinking about how much those characters must go through. As I grew up I matured the problems into more serious ones, or even more realistic ones. My habit brought me back to Medieval times(Oh, I love medieval times). Researching the Vikings crept up in the back of my mind and I thought, “The stories about how much the Gods went through when they walked the earth; or these tales of great warriors dying in battle…” and for a moment I stopped, “What could be the worst thing to happen to a warrior?” I thought that the worst thing that could happen would be to fail at protecting the people you love, right?

So my mind started working, what would I be like if I was that person? Back then? Losing everything around me, what would I do?

I was torn on my decision, and that in itself brought me to think about how I can go around writing a novel, especially if it is based from the main character’s perspective. I thought, walking through hell, what would you end up doing? What about afterwards? When the villain is dead, the character is broken or mortally wounded. Where does he go? How long does it take? Does he give up? Does he keep working through his hardships and die an old man?

As for myself, I’ve never imagined living until I was old and grey. I’m not quite sure why, but I’ve never been able to. 35 was the latest I could imagine myself, so I thought….

How should I go around that… And I imagined my character…

He had brown scruffy hair and piercing green eyes… the type of eyes that looked directly at your soul if you let it. An expression captivated his face which accelerated his age. Had he only been thirty? He looked at you with the eyes of an old man, tired, fatigued, but never losing strength. Though he gave such a serious face, and had the worry lines of a man with the weight of the world on his shoulders, there were still crows feet in the corner of his eyes showing that he once did have a smile behind his sadness. He wore the cloak of his father. It wrapped around him perfectly, hanging from his shoulders, and falling to his ankles. Wrists encased in bandages from the aches, pains and scars of a dozen wars, and a thousand fights. He stood looking at the blood stained bandages hiding his hands.

I then thought, well what was he doing there? Where was he? Was he acting like a man who had seen a thousand endings and was waiting for his time to come? Did he have anyone there with him? Anyone watching?

He looked out at the setting sun, and the shadows of the trees stretching. He over-looked the nearby mountain, and felt the wind pass around him at the cliff’s end. He muttered words that seemed out of place,

“And this was where I wanted to end my story.”

A young woman looked at him with long red hair, and a overwhelmed stare. Sanguine? The colour of blood.

“What do you mean? You haven’t told me it yet?”

A faint, empty smile lingered on his face, reciprocating the futile attempt of the sun trying to overpower the cold, winter air, “You can sheathe your weapon, I won’t hurt you. Instead, I’ll tell you my story, and then you can do a favour for me…” He massaged the bridge of his nose, and wiped his eyes in his bandaged hands, “How does that sound?”

“I will. You have to tell me your favour first though, old man.” She gave a cheeky smile, and looked in every direction around them, before looking at him.

They faced each other and his words had such promise in them, they were unshaken from such vices as desire, and love.

“I want you to kill me.”

The man stood still, eyes unclouded, and a once foolish heart, now erased. The girl’s heart raced, and she felt her body grow heavy. She was still young, and lacked the experience of making hard decisions. Though part of her knew she had to accept, after seeing the look of a broken man stare at her.

“I’ll be the one, I promise.”

He smiled, “We’re more alike than you think. Let me begin… and you can tell me whether the stories you’ve heard about me are true.”

 

So there, I started with a character both wise, and complicated, with a delicate, sensitive view on life who was already willing to give up his life and end it all. I thought, if I could start with the character, the rest would come. And it did.

I started with bits and pieces… Key events I called them, situations he could have chosen to change his destiny but chose to give up pieces of his heart, his own mind to other people, whether it was out of anger or out of the need to protect another.

I had dreams about this event for weeks, as my brain filled in the gaps. What his parents would have been like for him to walk such road, and whether they had something to do with it. Did it start with them? or did he do this to himself? I answered every question until I’m now sat with an entire plan from the life of his father, the death of his mother, and the concept of him breaking in half to overcome the many near-death he experiences throughout his journey until he has a trigger that makes him lose his mind. What would make a man lose his mind?

I may tell you next time…

The Icy winds, and sleepless nights

Once was I the clearest face, the stone-dead coldness, held in my eyes, loose and running, like the flowing river. Uncomfortable as I grew through each day passing, my legend, twisting, and turning; yearning for passion. Eight years ago, I started anew, neither Christian nor Heathen, neither Muslim, nor Heretic. I stood without chains to a hierarchical power, but to figures in my dreams. The more I woke up, the more I saw their faces. I watched the flowing wind that pierced through each link in the chains. My dreams captivated me, in ways like no other. Since I met you. I guess, in some way or other it all started with you. Before I met you, I felt like nothing, with you, something. Without you, something even I would rather forget.

The last eight years have felt like a dozen life times, crammed into one. I have a story in my head, a story of us, woes kept my heart beating, problems to fix, challenges to walk through… It felt good, meditating every night, expressing my emotion in a spiritual, motivational, explorational way. I must have stood on the highest mountains, and fallen to the most barren, darkest sea in a second yet something about it all felt worth it. It had something to do with this feeling of longing, searching for part of me that felt like it wasn’t with me any more. It was with you.

Standing here now… I feel like I have more scars weighing my soul down than I had ever felt before. So many mistakes, building up in the ocean floor… making sands rise, shift and morph before my eyes. I get like this from time to time. I get lost, in my thoughts, my tracks, like walking through a path of snow, with the tracks being covered by a blizzard. I still have my stone-eyed gaze, though I now have a soft, defending smile, and bitter expression, a pair of broken wings, and deteriorating limbs. I still have that smile, as the hope of someone who will look at me the same way you looked at me beckons me to continue.

I did meet one, a person, blond hair, green eyes, a familiar sentiment, a familiar face. I saw it in my dreams, like anyone I come across who is important to me. Crystals for your eyes, emeralds, wasn’t it? The look you gave me was one from someone who seemed to see more than just another person. You should have seen your face when I gave you the tiniest hint, smallest teaspoon of what escaped my tongue. Instead of the normal hesitant response, you could see the sheer terror in my eyes of opening up to someone and you hugged me. It was that moment I could tell. Though now, I feel like I’ve stolen but a dance from you, and will take my leave, wandering like a fool through a blizzard until I come face to face, with another person who is chained to me, with a strong enough connection to see me through the snow.

The side you do not see.

I’ve been writing about my emotional responses to University life, and private life on here over the last couple of weeks and it will stop after today. This will be the last time I give anyone a chance to see deeper than than what they think they see.

I know how I come across, okay? I come across an arrogant, flirty, a tempter of fate, almost. I come across as someone who seems to have everything worked out, pedantic when other people don’t know those type of answers, don’t know themselves. I make too many jokes, insulting ones, that may very much be taken in the wrong way if you are any less than tough as nails. I know that, it’s how I come across.

I’d like to think people see behind it, and I’ve been told to give people more credit than that. From my better judgement, I’ve allowed other people the chance to judge me.

I recently read a 4 paragraph insult aimed at me, all the hate someone had bundled up from dealing with me for 2 months. Only two months. They’re even writing a short story about me getting hit by a train. It is funny sometimes because I’m seen as someone who doesn’t feel or doesn’t hurt. I get seen as some villainous monster who thrives from other peoples pain…

Well, I’m not.

I’m really not.

Since I started University, I feel like I’ve gone through a year of it already:

I had a little crush on someone who was quite different to me, I mean, we talked, personally, and she seemed really interested in return. Though, she lived her life of hers, so much more to the full than I ever did, or ever could. I envy the care-free attitude she had, and the way she handled her words. It was nice. So that was my little crush. We had a hint of clashing personalities. She was really sensitive, and so am I. – though this happened, and it made a week or two of Uni quite awkward for the both of us, we’ve settled what happened and we’re friends again. We both said sorry and that was that, so it wasn’t too bad. And bless her, she’s been really nice, since so little things like that help.

Between this, which could have explained to someone why my head was so screwed up, something terrible happened. Someone I dated for a very short time in the beginning of the year, sent me an email about her having a baby, and though I couldn’t bring myself to agree with this, or accept it… it didn’t stop the pain that hurt my heart. I was really scared I’d go through the same thing with the mother of my daughter, but we all create our own demons, but this time I held mine in. I know the girl was upset and must have tried contacting me now and then, I checked my emails once in a blue moon you see, and because we left things on such bad terms I blocked her and tried to clear my head. I couldn’t deal with such drama when I was with my daughter, so I stopped the drama. Needless to say my heart never stopped caring, or never stopped hurting and when I talked to her, I had a picture of an epitaph sent to me, which, whether I believed he was mine, or whether I thought I was an asshole for making the same mistake, or whether I thought this person could be lying, as that’s what I’ve been used to over the last five or so years of my life, being lied to, everyday about everything.

Anyway, though I talked to the girl for an evening we both deemed it for the best we stop talking… she hated me, despised me even. I couldn’t blame her, though this is what nobody gets, I don’t want to have to pretend to be macho and pretend I’m as strong as oak, when I’m as sensitive as water, running through a river. Call it stupid, lame or ridiculous as I have been ridiculed and told I was weak for it in my past… However, I do acknowledge that these things happened, and they did hurt me. You have no idea how many times I cried, to myself, when nobody saw, when I didn’t have the responsibilities of my daughter, or dealt with people in University. It’d always be when I’m alone, no one around, or even to talk to. Sometimes, even when I had people to talk to, I’d just hide it well… I don’t even know why, I come from a family who saw telling feelings as being weak, not to say I’m blaming them. This is my fault.

Anyway, moving on… so whilst this happened, I had a friend throughout the first two months of University, whom I thought we had a quirky, cheeky relationship. We flirted once or twice when drunk, though she was never interested in me. I didn’t mind, it was just a fun time, drinking, laughing, I mean I made her smile so much it was nice. I really enjoyed her company, and I made cheeky jokes, making jokes like, “You know we’d be awesome together.” Without the intention of meaning it, I really didn’t. I meant it in a way that was truly a gentle, joking gesture. However, sometimes, other times, we would insult each other, she’d say, “I’m a strong viking, I have no feelings. You’re a puny British person” and I found it hilarious, I’d make a joke about vikings, and sometimes the digs hurt her, sometimes me, though I never once held a grudge against her for it. After all, most of the time, after those jokes on a Tuesday evening, going to slimming world we’d watch an episode of something, I’d make us dinner and we’d laugh and joke, smile and she’d then go home.

When she got close to  another friend, that’s when it got complicated. I’d make jokes  saying they’d work well as a couple, only in jest. Teasing them. Now, they weren’t massively insulting jokes, I wasn’t putting them down or calling them horrible demon children or something. Though what I didn’t know was that our friend was saying the same thing about her and I, and I think it got a bit too much for her coming from both fronts. As she couldn’t be mad with him after the party she blamed me, even though we were all teasing each other. At one point, she even said to us, “Hey, you guys would be great together. Hahaha” and that’s what we thought was a joke. Sadly, we were wrong. I will state that she did ask me not to tease her so much twice before the party, and though I planned on it, I forgot about it or rather thought it wasn’t so bad when she then made jokes with me all day.

Anyway, it got worse, and it got to the point where she stopped talking to me. I felt so bad about this, I was so confused, in my mind, for some reason I didn’t think I was being that bad, but it got to her, and I felt terrible about it. At first I was defensive because I was upset that my jokes got taken so badly. I really didn’t think she’d be like it. Anyway – I stopped the argument and went up to talk to her. I tried to explain my side of it, listened to her side, we agreed to forget it, and I hadn’t said an insult to her since, at all. Then I find out she’s been really horrible to me, completely ignoring me, and writing about me in her blogs, even writing stories about hurting me? It is pretty insane. I don’t know what to do now, and I’m sat here right now, as we speak, with tears rolling down my face like a buffoon.

Anyway, I don’t hate her for it, I don’t hate her at all, if anything I’m sorry that my jokes, my behaviour, and arrogant ass of a self has caused her so much trouble. I do wish I could talk to her and explain that, I haven’t told her what I thought, or started an argument, I left it at that and thought it was better to block her and remove her if she loathed me so… that was when she took that in a way that was me exploding. I just thought, “Why would you wanna see what I’m writing if you don’t want anything to do with me?” and well, after a little more of a pathetic cry I decided that instead of shouting or arguing over seeing such a public display of hatred I thought it’d be better to ask if she wanted to talk, get these feelings over with, out there.

Anyway, I’m really concerned about this, but in her eyes I’m a monster… well, if I need to be hated for a little while I can accept that. Even if she doesn’t want to be friends anymore I’d be happy just knowing I’d end a war that hopefully neither of us want for the next 3 years.

Moving away from the friend.

I fell in love with someone.

Though, stupidly enough I fell in love with someone who is with someone else. Way to go Dan, as if you couldn’t be more stupid. The worst thing was is that, I know some women may not believe it, but it’s very very very rare that we men feel comfortable, and safe around anyone, or at least, it is for me. I don’t know, I don’t think I got this close with the big Ex.

Well, an emotional roller-coaster of a month, my feelings haven’t shifted. Still there, but I decided to step back, and ignore my feelings, as not only have I been a shitty friend, I wasn’t about to sabotage someone else’s chance of happiness, nor am I able to live with myself if anything happened other than friendship. Maybe one day I’ll find someone that sees me for me, and isn’t with someone, that’ll be the day, ha…

In all honestly, it’s what I usually end my nights thinking, but then again, at this point, I don’t think I’m worth the trouble. I get told all the time that I’m way too serious, but when I joke I upset everyone… I don’t know what to do and it’s really upsetting me…

In all honestly, my days just can’t get any better…

I actually sat on my own the other night and asked myself, in my head, “What is wrong with me to upset everyone else?” and it’s really not the intention, quite the opposite, which is why I spend most of my time complimenting people…

It doesn’t even stop there… what people don’t realise who do not have children, is that I have a child who is currently potty training, so when I’m not doing uni work, I’m running around panicking, hoping she doesn’t wee on the bus, or in uni, or on the floor… etc etc. As well as the fact that I give so much energy to my daughter that I don’t actually get much time to think about these things anymore… or deal with them in the right way, everything always seems rushed.

So, when it comes down to it I end up on a night like this, where my parents have my daughter tonight, due to her having chicken pox, because I had a test today and have lessons for the rest of the week, so they’re looking after her for me, bless them.

But all I’ve done tonight is cry over people who hate me, and try my best not to haunt myself when I’m alone… so I hope I don’t come across as an asshole, a monster or a bastard every day, I hope that one person, just one person sees through it… and realises that all I bloody want is someone to show concern for my well being, as I’ve not had that for the longest of time, more than a question of how I am every so often by a few people at the most.

This is just the personal stuff that has happened in my life over the last two months, and I’ve left some of it out due to them only bothering me for a short while… This is the way my mind works everyday.

I don’t need other people to call me a monster or a villain to feel shit, I do enough of it myself. That is the side I tend to hide though, because why would I want to show anyone that side of me?

So, simply… I am sorry, to everyone I have hurt, and continue to hurt. The people who stay in my life I appreciate more than you could ever possibly imagine, and I’d really one day like to show you how much you all mean to me, because I’m not some hardened ass who has enough problems I don’t think about anyone else… I distance myself, make jokes and pretend I’m bigger than what I am because otherwise, you’ll rarely see a smile on my face, that twinkle in my eye that makes you feel like I’m on top of the world, all day. Sometimes, like when I read out an emotional story in class, sometimes I just ask for help… but I rarely ever get it, so I output like that instead. I’m sorry.

For those whom this message affects, please don’t hate me for it, and feel free to ask me to pull it down if it offends you in any way.

I don’t think anyone realises that I’m actually considering taking a gap year, so I don’t have to feel this way, with how many mistakes I keep making with people. All of this over the space of 3 months, it is truly ridiculous… and I told myself I’d have no drama this year… I’d kick myself if I could.

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me, or has left me alone when I’m moody. I hope you know how much each and everyone of you mean to me. You are all the reasons I get through my day, that, and my lovely little girl who I couldn’t live without.