Do you ever feel like you’re dreaming? Even when you’re wide awake?
Do you ever feel like you’re asleep, when you’re working, or that your concentration is elsewhere?
Or, rather you’re whole mind is somewhere else?
I do, quite frequent actually, and it’s been on my mind over the past few days, creeping around every corner, in the shadows of my mind.
It makes me think; it keeps me awake.
I could go on about how I don’t get much time to myself at all, but I believe we all walk our own paths, and are the reason for our own demons. If you’re anything like me, you’ll understand.
Though I sit, wondering what life would be like if I had chosen a different path, or perhaps not been so lucky to have been graced with such a loving daughter, I wonder what I’d be like.
I’d probably be walking around Scandinavia, painting a picture with words, of what life would have been like before out technology, customs, and chains. When you could live a life more freely, yet more difficult, but free nonetheless.
However, would I have motive to do things that have meaning? or would I still be sat playing video games from dawn til dusk?
I know that having my daughter has pushed me to do things I would not have had the courage to do – like going to University, studying this course, and going out and talking to people, shaking peoples hands or just making the odd person smile.
I find it very exhausting to be sociable, it makes me quite misunderstood, and makes me wonder whether I’ll ever feel good enough to talk to anyone around me. It’s not that I don’t understand, it’s just that I see things a little bit different sometimes, and manage to belittle problems that people feel are so hard to handle. I can be pedantic, I’m sure you could tell already.
Well, I think I’m going to focus less on trying to be social and just be myself. I’ll stay out of things, and not butt in. I would love to state that I’m not a fool anymore, but everything I do everyday seems to bring me back.
I need to stop being so silly, and complaining about life, maybe not bring negativity into my conversations, or pull people down when they’re at their highest, keep my thoughts to myself, and get on with things.
Things have been getting quite tedious for me on this course this year, but I’m trying. By the Gods, I’m trying. I sometimes make things look easy, and sometimes make things feel, or look small, as I appear to handle things so well. I do try, but I also struggle sometimes. I manage everything, and sometimes things get on top of me… but when I look at that little girl of mine at the end of the day, nothing else matters, and I remember that I’m not just doing this because I want to, but I’m doing it for her, as well.
This post seems more like a rant than anything else, however, I hope you all enjoyed a spoonful of my thoughts…