My day, has had many faces

So,

This will quite possibly be a short post. I needed to get things off my chest, and away from my mind. Today, I will officially state that I no longer wish to try and understand people any more. I’ve had a nightmare of a day which twisted and turned.

I’ve had a pretty amazing weekend though, fair play. I met someone new and really enjoyed her company.

At the moment, I’m infuriated. Nothing much, just that. Annoyed, I’m sure I’ll wake up in the morning, back to normal, and carry on as always.

Well, this morning I received horrible news from my friend about a relative passing. My condolences are with you, sweetheart, and right after, I started my day with a mission to work as much as I could on the assignment I was working on.

Writing a series of notes on a book explaining the intertexts that the book is using. Yay – a frustrating piece of something. I began it with a pep in my step, a glint in my eye; then I found my kindle had been knocked against something in my back and the screen broke.

Yay~

Moving on, though my kindle was broke, I still tried to research the Odyssey, and managed to write about 600 words… out of 2,500. Not a bad start? ugh. Even more annoying.

It wasn’t so bad that my friend arrived and we had a chat, though a little distracting. Ha.

Then, found my lunch had spilled into my bag, even with the bag I put it in. (I fried fish, so you can hopefully understand my dismay.)

So, even more so, I met a friend who we had been getting along great, and then managed to somehow get into an argument with her too, and I won’t go into detail but the end result being…

  • I should just stop trying with people.
  • Perhaps, get some pets
  • Go live in a forest

I thought of giving up on people, probably won’t though. Too much of a pain in the ass.

Now I’m dealing with my daughter who has been ill, and decided to smear her snot over the window of a bus, and then try and hug her reflection. Also gave me a heart attack as it was the first day she was in pants, not nappies. Ha! Score: 1:0 to me. She managed to get home without soiling too. Good news. Yippee!

Anyway, all in all, I’ve had a day filled with ups and downs, a little too much for my taste.

I’ve been thinking, what is the point of reaching out to people when it only ever gets put back into my face. So I think I’ll just stop, for a while anyway. See how it goes, will probably write that on here too.

Other than that, roll on the rest of the year. A little tempted to try for a gap year… as there is so much drama and tension on the course right now, it’s hard to handle and not making me want to come in.

I’ll get through it though, I always do.

I hope you enjoyed the read, I guess.

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Dreaming through the day

Do you ever feel like you’re dreaming? Even when you’re wide awake?

Do you ever feel like you’re asleep, when you’re working, or that your concentration is elsewhere?

Or, rather you’re whole mind is somewhere else?

I do, quite frequent actually, and it’s been on my mind over the past few days, creeping around every corner, in the shadows of my mind.

It makes me think; it keeps me awake.

I could go on about how I don’t get much time to myself at all, but I believe we all walk our own paths, and are the reason for our own demons. If you’re anything like me, you’ll understand.

Though I sit, wondering what life would be like if I had chosen a different path, or perhaps not been so lucky to have been graced with such a loving daughter, I wonder what I’d be like.

I’d probably be walking around Scandinavia, painting a picture with words, of what life would have been like before out technology, customs, and chains. When you could live a life more freely, yet more difficult, but free nonetheless.

However, would I have motive to do things that have meaning? or would I still be sat playing video games from dawn til dusk?

I know that having my daughter has pushed me to do things I would not have had the courage to do – like going to University, studying this course, and going out and talking to people, shaking peoples hands or just making the odd person smile.

I find it very exhausting to be sociable, it makes me quite misunderstood, and makes me wonder whether I’ll ever feel good enough to talk to anyone around me. It’s not that I don’t understand, it’s just that I see things a little bit different sometimes, and manage to belittle problems that people feel are so hard to handle. I can be pedantic, I’m sure you could tell already.

Well, I think I’m going to focus less on trying to be social and just be myself. I’ll stay out of things, and not butt in. I would love to state that I’m not a fool anymore, but everything I do everyday seems to bring me back.

I need to stop being so silly, and complaining about life, maybe not bring negativity into my conversations, or pull people down when they’re at their highest, keep my thoughts to myself, and get on with things.

Things have been getting quite tedious for me on this course this year, but I’m trying. By the Gods, I’m trying. I sometimes make things look easy, and sometimes make things feel, or look small, as I appear to handle things so well. I do try, but I also struggle sometimes. I manage everything, and sometimes things get on top of me… but when I look at that little girl of mine at the end of the day, nothing else matters, and I remember that I’m not just doing this because I want to, but I’m doing it for her, as well.

This post seems more like a rant than anything else, however, I hope you all enjoyed a spoonful of my thoughts…

The Nordic expression

I woke up this morning, with exhausted eyes, aching limbs, a pain in my back, and a cry from the other room; as to be expected. It’s all fine, and well. The strangest thing happened though amongst these crappy feelings. I couldn’t help but wake up with a smile on my face. It wasn’t because of a girl, or some fancy dream – though I did have one. It was because I’ve still yet to miss a lesson of University. Even with the four migraines I’ve suffered in the last month, the stomach aches, and odd cold. *strikes a pose*

I know. It doesn’t seem like much, but I realised I’ve been present for every lecture, I should know what I’m doing, but instead of panicking, or performing my daily, “What’s going on, what’s going on!” run about, I just dropped the idea of worry and told myself, “I’ll deal with it, as it comes.” I feel good about today, though I expect half of the class to be absent due to a slight misunderstanding with the trains.

All in all, I’m trying to look on the positive. I’ve made up with one friend, and apologised and I have one to go – I don’t want to argue, or cause hell for someone on this course. I’m spending three years with them, and it’s sort of like being married to 30 people, you can either spend it always complaining – making it negative… or… you can spend the time trying to make yourself, and them happy for a bit, give someone a reason to smile once in a while.

I’m still behind on my reading, I have three books to catch up on, though I’ll get there, like a turtle gets there in the end. If I did use less time procrastinating and more time actually working then my day would go very well. Too bad.

I’m just going to enjoy my day, and try and emphasise the teachings that I picked up from reading the Poetic Edda. It’s not that the Gods are invincible, or immortal. They can die, be injured, or stand strong. It’s the fact that they teach us that it isn’t about being perfect, but about having the ability to overcome your fears, problems, and pain and move forward.

Rather than being stuck in time, in a liminal place – I want to walk forward.

I hope everyone who reads this blog has a lovely day, and makes just one other person smile – as if that keeps up we’ll get around to make everyone smile at least once. 🙂

The ups and downs of being more social

I’ve had one eventful couple of weeks, ranging from absolutely amazing days right down to the lowest, of bloody lows. I haven’t written in quite some time due to being so busy, writing a review… writing a 2,500 word short story, and writing a 5,000 word short story. That being said, I’ve not been in the greatest of moods. I mean, everyone has their ups and downs but seriously, not been in the best moods.

I’ve been having some trouble with a person from my past who has given me a bit of an unhappy thought or two. So, that was nice… Other than that I’ve been trying hard to get to know new people, and I made the mistake of showing interest in someone who was not what I thought she was. I mean, hey – it happens, right? However, I’m more interested in being alone now than I ever have been.

I wanted to try harder, and come more out of my shell because I’m fed up of being so reserved, not speaking what I’d like to say, and not telling people what I really think, or even taking risks. I always come across as being honest, but it takes a while to get to know me to the point where I am really, really honest. Though it does depend on the person.

I was getting mixed signals from someone but now it has all settled, the air cleared – and the outcome I come to was that I wasn’t really interested in the person at all. In fact, I was pleased by her honesty because she showed me sides to her that I really didn’t like, nor want around me. Things happen, I know – which is why I’m open to forgive and forget. I’ve made a point of sending her my thoughts and haven’t heard from her since, oops, my mistake. I just want to catch up with her, apologise for being a bit of a poop head, and hopefully carry on being classmates without an awkward tension.

After a weekend of a party, some tension, problems and a really good night I now know that all I’m looking for is just friends, until I find the right person. I don’t want to mess around or get myself into some weird position where I’m getting annoyed with myself for being such a tool. But hey, learning experiences, right?

I have been far too apologetic for my tastes recently, and want to get back to the point where I’m thinking of myself, I suppose that’s the problem when you’re always looking out for people…. For no reason! I just need to get myself to a point where I can be happy with myself, again. Ha.

I’ve also upset my friend with too much teasing, and at a point where I took time out of the day to go comfort her, and try and get past it all. So, all I hope now is that we can all just get past all the uncomfortable problems at the weekend, and move on with our lives. Drama, eh?